Aug 5, 2008

Legalize it

Dear Santa-

This year for Christmas, I would like for you to legalize marijuana for all the good boys and girls. Even for the bad boys and girls. I don't really care. 
I know Christmas is a long way off and you're still probably on vacation in Tahiti or somewhere, but I needed to get my request in early because it is so important.

Here's why:
Today at my job, two of my coworkers were talking to each other about buying weed. Of course, they didn't use that term ever. They said things like, "I was interested in meeting up with your friend" and "When is your friend in town?" and "Should I contact your friend directly?" Then they would giggle and exchange knowing smiles and agree with each other about nothing in particular. 
I have to be honest, Santa, I hate potheads with an unreasonable and probably unwarranted passion. They speak in riddles have insipid little rituals. I hate them because they let me know they're potheads by trying to keep it a secret and they get all mad when I call them on it, usually in a loud and irritating tone.  I must admit, it gives me great satisfaction to see them act as if the DEA is about to burst through the door at the very utterance of the word "marijuana." Ah, good times.
Nonetheless, I am asking you to legalize pot so I don't have to put up with their intricate and futile rites of secrecy and self-righteous pseudo-politics about how alcohol is worse for you than pot and there are no documented cases of lung cancer associated with smoking dope. First of all, I KNOW alcohol isn't good for you, that's why I drink it. That's why everyone drinks it. Do you know what we call people who go on and on about the benefits of alcohol, Santa? We call them a cab! Get it?

Seriously, Santa, everyone knows the war on drugs is a joke. Recreational pot use is all but accepted by the general population, or at least ignored. It's being prescribed by doctors and state laws are actually protecting sanctioned growers. Can we please just close the loop and make it official? 
I'm not sure I can deal with much more incessant tittering and badly-veiled tokers' code in my social life, let alone my workplace. 

Legalize it, tax it, make it as normal as buying a 6-pack at 7-11. Maybe that'll shut those stupid hippies up.

Thanks Santa. Have a great summer.

Your friend,
W.G. Beets


Christopher said...

Oh great, you know what would be the result, if Santa granted your wish?

All those poor DEA agents and local Law Enforcement types who DEPEND on busting dirty, hop-headed hippies for their livelihoods would find A LUMP OF COAL in their FY 2009 appropriations, where normally there would be a large swimming pool full of money. Then, they'd have to go home and tell their children that, "well Timmy and Susie, Santa decided that granting legal status to a bunch of filthy, ganja-huffing deadbeats was more important than daddy earning a paycheck, so I'm afraid Christmas is cancelled this year", which of course will cause the children to cry very large Kean-painting tears of confusion and resentment, and probably make them grow up to become Republicans.

Is that what you WANT to happen?

IS IT???

flamingbanjo said...

Santa, if you can't manage to give Basil what he's asking for this Christmas, could you at least give me the, uh, "albums" I asked for? You know, the "albums?" If you could leave a ziploc bag of, say, two or three ounces worth of "albums" in my stocking this year, Santa, that would be awesome.

Christopher said...

Hey, nobody said anything about personal requests!

Uh, Santa, since we're on the subject: my lawn really needs to be mowed, 'cause, like, um, I need some "mulch", yeah! "mulch".

ipj said...

Crap! I've been writing letters to Congress. Have I been taking the wrong route all these years? (Okay, I haven't written any letters.)