Sep 29, 2006

How's My Driving?

As we all know, modern bumper stickers are the ultimate expression of one's personality. An indelible representation not only of what the driver is thinking at the moment you read his or her bumper sticker, but of what they TRULY BELIEVE AT ALL TIMES. You are right to let them make you angry.
I'm not hyperbolizing when I say that bumper stickers, therefore, are the cause of 100% of all road-rage-induced violence, both on the road and off.
As a public service, and in keeping with the terms of my parole, I'd like to provide light-hearted responses to just some of the personal dogma labels that I've seen over the last few days. Consider it a form of therapeutic release.
You're welcome!

Bumper sticker: "Drum Machines Have No Soul"
Retort: Yes, but they're never too drunk to play and they always show up on time.

Bumper sticker: "1.20.09: Bush's Last Day in Office"
Witty Rejoinder: You're willing to wait that long?! No wonder they call you a liberal.

Bumper sticker (applied upside down): "If you can read this, please flip me over"
Scathing barb: a) of all, you're driving a Dodge Neon. b) of all, if I see you flipped over, I'm not taking orders from your fascist bumper sticker. NO STICKER IS THE BOSS OF ME!

Bumper sticker: "Bush/Cheney '04"
Sigh: We all say stupid things. How about a hug?

Bumper sticker: "Share the Road With Cyclists"
Sorry: I think I just hit something and spilled my damn coffee. I'll call you right back.

Bumper sticker: "Keep Your Laws Off My Body"
Um: Sir, my laws wouldn't come near your body after 40 tequila shots. It's the pony tail, I think.

Bumper sticker: "Free Ballard"
Really: Where? I love free stuff!

Bumper sticker: "This Vehicle Makes Frequent Stops"
Big Whoop: This vehicle makes frequent illegal left turns, you don't hear me bragging about it.

Remember, while driving is a privelege and not a right, putting a bumper sticker on your car IS a right. And it's protected by The Bill of Reilly, Acting Transportation Secretary Maria Cino the New York Yankees.

Send in your own! Keep the internet free and easy! USA! USA! USA!

Sep 25, 2006

Things that are needed and not often experienced

Getting out of town before winter comes.
Renewing faith in creativity; one's own and that of others.
Rivers that go fast.
Throwing rocks of all sizes into same.
Sloppy joes and red wine (I know...)
Missing one's wife and feeling proud instead of incomplete.
Hip-hop from the late 1990's
Sleep, but not too much.

Sep 20, 2006

Science! Now with more boasting!

Of course, my *other* favorite film critic in Seattle is Annie Wagner, for purely self-serving reasons:

We Go Way Back
 Winner of multiple awards at Slamdance, We Go Way Back (by Stranger One-to-Watch Lynn Shelton) is the tender story of a fringe-theater actress in Ballard who is knocked off her twentysomething rails by simple little letters she wrote to her older self at the age of 13. Amber Hubert is properly vague in the lead role, R. Hamilton Wright scores bountiful zingers as a capricious theater director, and Basil Harris is perfect in the small role of an empathetic friend. A must if you've ever attended Seattle theater, and a sweet, subtle choice for everyone else. (ANNIE WAGNER)

"Perfect" is a strong word, Annie.  You're going to make me want to punch myself in the face.

Sep 19, 2006

SCIENCE! So shut up!

Lindy West is now my favorite film critic in Seattle for this review of "Accepted".  Starring nobody and apparently written and directed by same:

"Accepted" is about a bunch of horrible, entitled, middle-class teens who don't get into college for perfectly legitimate reasons. Well, boo fucking hoo. You're such a smarty-pants that you only applied to Yale? Your bad! Busted rotator cuff busted your sports scholarship? How about some studying, champ? Oh, you just didn't try that hard? Wow! Fuck you! I wish it were possible to punch a movie in the face (can we get to work on that, science?). (LINDY WEST)
(from The Stranger, 9/14-20)

Also, now that I know "The Last Kiss" came from the co-writers of "Crash" and "Million-Dollar Baby", I have been forever purged of any desire to see it.  Speaking of movies I would love to punch on the face...
Dear Hollywood, Thanks for the heads-up!!
Yr pal,

Sep 18, 2006

This was to be expected...

... but still

"Football is Everything:"

Seriously, Everything??

Football season has officially started, I'll grant them that, but...


I'm nervous.

Sep 15, 2006

As if I didn't have enough trouble with football

Heard on Fox Sports last night:

"...the New York Yankees take on the Hated Red Sox..."




HATED Red Sox??!  Compared to - I'm sorry - the #*!$% YANKEES???!!?!?
Everyone knows, of all the teams to hate in MLB, Steinbrenner's Stormtroopers are a not only the obvious choice, they practically hate themselves FOR you!

Remember in 2004 when everyone was a Red Sox fan?  And that was before they even met the Cardinals!
Underdogs!  Scrappers!  Heros!  Kurt Schilling's bloody ankle, fer chrissakes!!

And now they're the "Hated Red Sox" according to (speaking of hateful) Fox.  
I guess that's what winning a World Series does to you.

Say it ain't so, Rupert.

Sep 10, 2006

Hello Dad! I'm in Canada! I like it here!

So let's get one thing straight, I love Canada.  I'm not ashamed to admit it, ask anyone. 
I.  Love.  Canada.

So I'm here in Toronto on business.

How can one be somewhere "on business" if they're unemployed?

Well, I used to do a little acting on the side, though these days it's more about the music.

Yeah.  Awesome.

Anyway, someone whose name I won't mention here - we'll call her "my agent" - thought it was a good idea for me to go do this live gig at a convention for... I don't know what, actually.  I do know I'm supposed to have a british accent and act like "Q" from James Bond and talk about this new product with the CEO of this company that makes said products and "show" him how it's used and then go away.  20 minutes of work for a veritable sh*t-ton of money.  Though, by my current standards, a sh*t-ton is anything over $200.  But it's a work/pay ratio that leans pretty nicely in my favor.

Anyway, back to Canada.  I love Canada, did I mention that?  The people are friendly and polite in that real way.  You know, the way that is devoid of insecurity or pompousness or sensationalism?  Okay, maybe you don't know.  It's a hard thing to pin down, the Canadian personality, especially if you're American.  But I love it.
I love how clean things are in the city.  Clean but well-used.  Like a working kitchen:  Nothing's brand new and shiny anymore, but you can tell someone gives a sh*t-ton about cooking.  
The taxis are clean too.  I believe this is because they use actual town cars instead of old police cruiser hand-me-downs like we do in the States.  Brakes that don't squeal and a car that doesn't smell like criminal.  What a concept!

Granted, every time I've been to Canada, it's been summer.  With the exception of a trip to visit my sister in Montreal in January which - and I can say this with confidence - was colder than anything I could have ever imagined.  Ever.  
My sister taught me how to curse the cold in Quebequois, but there's no way I won't murder the spelling here.  I got a lot of practice saying it out loud, though.   I like to think that residents of Montreal curse the cold to keep their tongues from freezing.

Canada has some history for me, too.  My parents went to college here in Toronto where they met and fell in love.  It's the same city where Queen Elizabeth allegedly waved to me (not to the throngs of people behind me, my mother insists) as I sat on my dad's shoulders and watched her parade by.  I have cousins in BC, I did a summer Fringe theatre tour in the late 90's, driving through some of the most mind-bendingly beautiful Canadian wilderness.  Some of my favorite music comes from Canada.  There's the friends in Vancouver,  the relatives in Calgary.  I could go on.

So I'm here in Toronto, put up at the swankiest-of-swanky hotels AND it's the Toronto Film Fest this week as well.  Just spotted most of the cast of "Best in Show" in the lobby as I checked in, in fact.   I'm so giddy that I momentarily forgot that Ida and I were on this liver-cleanse detox diet together, though it was assumed that I'd be forced to drop it while I'm was traveling anyway. 
Nevertheless, what did I do as soon as I dropped my bags in my room?  Get to bed after a long day of travel? Watch TV like a normal tourist? No. I went downstairs, crossed the street and bought a hot dog from the sole vendor that was open at midnight on a Sunday.   Yes, it was fun walking back through the lobby of Chez Swanktown gorging myself on a giant, delicious dog, however there's no doubt a very serious mistake has been made:
After 6 days of nothing but water, whole grains and raw, organic, gluten-free, non-animal foods... a hot dog?  Probably not the most healthy idea I've ever come up with.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has turned on the fasten-seatbelt sign due to some turbulence ahead.  We ask that you take your seats and fasten your safety belts...

Oooooooooo... Canada...... I don't feel so goooooood...

Sep 3, 2006

NFL Update

Latest companies witnessed shamelessly pushing their products using football, the NFL or both:

Direct TV
Fox (again)

Seriously, am I the only one getting nervous about this?  Is it some kind of war-time thing?  I thought baseball was the patriotic thing (see also, Apple Pie and Gasoline).

If by some chance I mysteriously disappear in the next few weeks, know that I never meant to cause any trouble.  I'm no whistle-blower. Just a poor sap who got too curious...

Go Pats!