Sep 29, 2006

How's My Driving?

As we all know, modern bumper stickers are the ultimate expression of one's personality. An indelible representation not only of what the driver is thinking at the moment you read his or her bumper sticker, but of what they TRULY BELIEVE AT ALL TIMES. You are right to let them make you angry.
I'm not hyperbolizing when I say that bumper stickers, therefore, are the cause of 100% of all road-rage-induced violence, both on the road and off.
As a public service, and in keeping with the terms of my parole, I'd like to provide light-hearted responses to just some of the personal dogma labels that I've seen over the last few days. Consider it a form of therapeutic release.
You're welcome!

Bumper sticker: "Drum Machines Have No Soul"
Retort: Yes, but they're never too drunk to play and they always show up on time.

Bumper sticker: "1.20.09: Bush's Last Day in Office"
Witty Rejoinder: You're willing to wait that long?! No wonder they call you a liberal.

Bumper sticker (applied upside down): "If you can read this, please flip me over"
Scathing barb: a) of all, you're driving a Dodge Neon. b) of all, if I see you flipped over, I'm not taking orders from your fascist bumper sticker. NO STICKER IS THE BOSS OF ME!

Bumper sticker: "Bush/Cheney '04"
Sigh: We all say stupid things. How about a hug?

Bumper sticker: "Share the Road With Cyclists"
Sorry: I think I just hit something and spilled my damn coffee. I'll call you right back.

Bumper sticker: "Keep Your Laws Off My Body"
Um: Sir, my laws wouldn't come near your body after 40 tequila shots. It's the pony tail, I think.

Bumper sticker: "Free Ballard"
Really: Where? I love free stuff!

Bumper sticker: "This Vehicle Makes Frequent Stops"
Big Whoop: This vehicle makes frequent illegal left turns, you don't hear me bragging about it.

Remember, while driving is a privelege and not a right, putting a bumper sticker on your car IS a right. And it's protected by The Bill of Reilly, Acting Transportation Secretary Maria Cino the New York Yankees.

Send in your own! Keep the internet free and easy! USA! USA! USA!

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