Feb 19, 2007

87% Cocoa

Oh right, offices and sugar. I'd almost forgotten.

Subj: Homemade cookies in the break room!
Subj: Leftover Halloween candy - UP FOR GRABS!
Subj: Girl Scout cookies
Subj: Extra doughnuts on the conference room.

And now you're 20 pounds heavier. Thank goodness you've been sitting on your ass all day, too. That helps.

I'm now begging (almost literally) my female co-workers to eat the weapons-grade dark chocolate I bought last week. Aren't women supposed to loooove chocolate? Did I waste that much money on Valentine's Day gifts in college?
Please don't make me have to eat another piece. It's sitting right there! Crap.

Now I'm so amped up on the stuff that I think I might be able to bend light rays with my mind.
Working on it... working on it... Damn! Distracted by imaginary itch. No wait, real itch. Better take care of that... oops, just scratched through to bone. That'll probably need a looking at. Oh wellhahahahahahahahahaha. Why won't my legs stop bouncing?!?

Feb 11, 2007

Sometimes you need to make hard choices

In case you were hoping to see me playing with my band opening at this sold out show:

I regret to inform you that I will not be there that night.
I've made a prior commitment to appear in this world-premiere theatre play instead.

If you could split yourself in twain, I'd recommend that you suppport both causes simultaneously. Since you likely cannot perform such amoebic imitation, perhaps you should attend the former on the 17th (if you already have tickets, I guess) and the latter on another night?
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but in an almost impossible convergence of fortune, I can safely and honestly recommend both and defer neither to one nor t'other.

You have my personal ass-urance that my re-bass-ment at the Presidents' show will be as good if not better than me. Though perhaps not as good-looking.
Let's be honest.

Oh, hello!

We must be pretty close friends, which must be why I'm on the gigantic cc: list of the e-mail you just sent me regarding... let's see, what is it today?

Bill Gates is giving away $1000? To me? Why, this is the first I've heard of THAT!
Is my cell phone number about to be deleted from the Do-Not-Call list in 11 days without my permission? Holy Crap! Can they DO that?!
I need to be kept aware of someone planting an AIDS-infected needle in the back seat of the next taxi I take.
Thank you so much for thinking of me! We can't let the terrorists win!

Moreover I thank you, dear net buddy, for making sure that my name and e-mail appear alongside all those of all the other people on the list I don't know. Let's all be friends! That's what the internet is about, right? I hope each of them will "Reply All" when they congratulate you on your heads-up attitude!

Lastly, I'm sorry for replying to you suggesting that maybe you should check your facts before you send stuff out to a million of your close buddies. I understand that these kinds of messages are meant to be FRIENDLY WARNINGS that have REALLY WORKED for A LOT of your other friends. I shouldn't be so ungrateful to you and I should certainly understand that while you SHOULD be able to send me spam hoax messages I didn't ask for, I have NO RIGHT to reply with anything less friendly than this:

"THX! I totally DID NOT know this! I'm DEFIN8LY gonna pass this along to EVERY1 I know!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxotla cul8r!!!"

After all, you can't be expected to worry about contributing to the useless and impersonal drivel that clogs up the internet - you hardly ever even use the internet! Why would you?! It's such a scary place, with all those online predators and viruses and fonts and identity thefts and iPod offers. You really should send another letter to your AOL tech support and let them know about all these terrible things going on in the world of the wide web.

Better yet, just keep sending me all of those warnings with your plea to "pass it along".
I don't mind. I don't use the internet for work or anything. In fact, I hear most people don't.