May 22, 2008

Don't tell the Tin Man

Though I believe you might run into a problem here.
Robot plays dumb until robot sees its chance...

[Muchas gracias to habeas cornchip for the image. The colors match so well with the blog, don't you think?]

May 15, 2008

Some Changes

Re: your Lexicon of Current Acceptable Pop Culture Slang, category 12d, terms of derision/excitement/adoration/food/geography/cats/human anatomy/music/movies/popular first-time novelists/the Internet/sharks, please note the following updates for the 2008 spring session:
  • Both douchebag and the shortened d-bag are replaced with "a-hole." You may still use the douchebag hybrid beta test, "deeb."
  • Similarly, and as a protective measure, awesome will be shortened and made slightly less easily-accessible by converting to "a-some."
  • Used in its adjectival form, "fucking" is replaced with the lighter, more portable "effing". Its verb usage is unassailable and remains unchanged. 
  • When absolutely necessary, nachos and vacation may be shortened to "'chos" and "vacay", respectively.  
  • "Resto" is not an acceptable substitute for restaurant, since no one ever says "resto" under any circumstances whatsoever because it is stupid and pretentious. 
  • Using "va-jay-jay" when referring to the vagina has been retroactively banned universally forever, especially in print. Because what are you, 19?
  • New York City may only be referred to as "NYC" in print or in the context of the musical "Annie."
  • When someone remarks, "I don't care anymore", any reference to Phil Collins should be avoided thereafter. The same rules apply to all other Phil Collins songs that contain lyrics.
  • "Your mom" has been temporarily replaced with "YOU are" as the default answer to any question, regardless of subject, tense or context.
  • While private enjoyment of LOLcats is always encouraged, public conversation regarding them is no longer appropriate. 
  • Any phrase that appears in a t-shirt advertisement on MySpace has obviously jumped the shark and will no longer be tolerated.
  • "Jump the shark" may only be used if the speaker can accurately track its origin. 
  • Chuck Norris was pretty good in The Delta Force and the Missing in Action movies. That's about as far as it goes with him.
  • The phrase "Succotash my Balzac, Dipshiitake" is now hilarious again.
More updates as they happen.
That is all.

Sources: Dave J., Ida S., Harper, JSF, The STFU Institute

May 8, 2008

We're Going to the Movies!

I don't often use this sacred space for shameless self-promotion, but-

Wait, can we take that again? I didn't feel like I sounded sincere enough.
Do you think I sounded genuine? 
Okay, are we still rolling? Okay, let's just take it again.


Dear readers,
I do hope that you and all of your friends will come see the films that I am in this year at the Seattle International Film Festival, of which there are three. You can find out more about the wonderful festival - the largest on the continent! - here.  Specific details about the films I'm in can be found here.

Really, if you want to see anything at the festival, you should act now, as people in Seattle do love their artsy, indie, filmy-films so. You wouldn't want to end up in the lobby, crying in your popcorn, because you couldn't get into the big show. 

Because, come on. That's a waste of perfectly good popcorn. 
Don't embarrass yourself.

Best Wishes,

W. G. Beets

May 5, 2008

Great mystery of life #276 (at last I've found you)

File under: "That one thing? I can't remember what it's called. I saw it years ago on PBS, I think- what was it? I wonder if it's on YouTube somewhere?"

Less a cutting-edge bit of cleverness these days than an effective learning tool. But I'm still glad I finally found it. Let's hear it for Canadian women making indie films in the 80's!