Profiles in Public Service: The Federal Trade Commission

You know what I say to all those hippies out there who trash their own government?
Check out the FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION, you stinking' hippies! Go back to aviation repair college and quit begging for me to put my size ten-and-a-halfs up your Jefferson's Airplane.
Now listen, this under-appreciated government agency just wants to help you. They're not trying to "drag you down", they don't want to "harsh your vibe" or make you "part of the machine". The good men and women at the Federal Trade Commission have dutifully put together this unbelievably helpful and comprehensive website to help you keep on the sunny side and flying through clear skies.
Why would they do something like this for a stupid, ungrateful hippie like me, you ask? Check it out: It's their JOB. Speaking of which, try getting one, long-hair. You'll earn money to buy reefer or drive to Burning Man or whatever the hell else you blow your trust fund on.

Okay back to the FTC.
Did I mention that they're just trying to make your miserable lives a little more manageable! Why can't you simply see that?!

Tired of paying for your credit reports?
POW!

An easy way onto the glorious National Do-Not-Call List?
SHAZZAM!

Can't stand spam?
BOOOYA!

Losing sleep over identity theft? Don't worry, because
HERE COMES THE GOVERNMENT!

Tune in to this, degenerates: I know there's a lot of crap going on with our country these days. The Man is still trying to keep the leaf off the streets and our young folks on the front lines. In the words of The Godfather of Soul, we're all just trying to get over before we go under. I can dig it.
All the same, sometimes it helps to know that there are still people out there who care about the little guy. And those people work at the UNITED STATES FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION.

Good night and good luck.